Holly Alexander Astrology

Saturn’s hands of time
sit me down
plainly
breathing me
into the ground

His bony knuckles
rapping on my door
pointing to his watch
speechless
he’s been here before
he knows
I’m not surprised
to see him again

Lately
he summons me from slumber
in the dark, early hours
“Stop wasting time,”
his voice urgent
and matter of fact
“You have work to do.
Get out of bed…now.”

He has me picking up pears
littered among gold-orange leaves
spotted with gray-black decay
filling garbage cans
in the sobering autumn air

The old man
has me going through filing cabinets
stored in the basement
drawers filled with
evidence of past labors
proof of days, weeks, years

That degree earned
adoption contracts and photos
of animals rescued
and taxes
paid faithfully
throwing my old self away

—November, 2008

The time has finally arrived.  I’m leaving Salt Lake and moving toward new life.  I’ve been waiting for this day, for over a year now.  It looks like I had to wait ’til transiting Saturn came around to square my Moon.  I must admit, when I looked at this upcoming transit, around a year ago, I was not looking forward to it.  As I have intimately known Saturn throughout my life (Capricorn Rising with Saturn conjunct, forming a T-square to my Sun and Mars, as well as three personal planets in the 10th house), he has shown his face to me in ways that have been…well…hard.  Restrictive.  Heavy.

As I have gotten older, I’ve gradually learned to create other experiences of him in my life.  The old Saturn in me, the critic, the perfectionist, the one who takes on the burden and feels responsible for all of it, working like hell to redeem myself, continues to leave me.  The goat that was saddled with the sins of the community, and either sacrificed or sent off into the wilderness, carrying those burdens with him.  Continually confronting authority outside of myself, feeling guilty for situations I did not create. Yeh, like I said…heavy.

For whatever reason, this time, Saturn feels different to me.  Maybe because I understand him in a way that I haven’t before.  Over time, the vulnerability of first time Cap AC, has given me an intimate understanding of this serious side of myself.  And, of my ego and the part of me that judges, compares, thinks I have to always do better.  Keeps working incessantly to change things, to “make them right.”

I remember hearing Daniel, my teacher, tell me that Saturn was the most instructive force in us, that teaches us to be free.  That is, if it doesn’t crush you.  Over the years, I have learned to make peace with this part of me, and let it go, little by little.  I can let the Saturn part of me, my strong identity with my ego, show me that through this suffering, through limitation and restriction, I can see exactly what I need to let go of.  I can release the parts of my ego that keep me imprisoned, and I can form a new relationship with Saturn that feels like a partnership of the pieces of Saturn and my ego, that actually serve me.

So, for now, I’m saying my good-byes to cherished friends, packing my life up in boxes, and moving West.  I’m California dreamin’ on such a winter’s day…